Results...

No change.  Along with "Will you marry me?", "It's a girl!" and "Let's just go out for supper tonight." this is easily one of my favorite things anyone has ever said to me.

What "no change" means is that my brain MRI looks essentially just the same as it did four months ago which was the best possible news I could have been given.  I know that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.  It is the neurologist's recommendation that I have another MRI in 6-12 months and assuming that one shows no change, another one a year later.  MS is a condition that can take months or even years to develop and you can begin treating it as soon as you know it's there which greatly improves your prognosis.

However, I am not going to worry about 6 months from now, 12 months from now or 24 months from now.  Today I received the news I've been praying for and for that I am so relieved, humbled and thankful.  So very thankful.  Today is a great day.

The Lord's Prayer...

Our Father Who Art In Heaven...the first prayer I remember learning.  Words I was taught to recite beginning with Sunday School and am still reciting them today.  However, when I was six years old never did I really consider the meaning behind the words.  I was told to memorize this prayer so I did.  Actually, it wasn't until I had my own children and was teaching them the Lord's Prayer that I really began to think about what this very simple, basic prayer means. 

Give us this day our daily bread...as I child I suppose I took this in the most literal sense.  Dear God~please make sure I have something to eat today.  Today it has a much greater meaning.  Every day we all have hopes and expectations for how that particular day is going to go.  Things we want, tasks we need to accomplish, happiness to unfold.  If these things don't occur, it is easy to become disappointed or angry even.  The alarm doesn't go off, you spill your morning Diet Coke all over your new shirt, your garage door won't close and you are running late, your children are "in a mood"~nothing seems to go right and certainly not as you hoped or expected.  We've all had those days~some of us more than others.  You wonder why things couldn't have gone more smoothly, more according to plan.  Maybe day after day, things don't happen in the way you wanted them to.  Oftentimes, this is exactly the case.  You begin to wonder about God's plan for you and why it doesn't seem to match up with your own-why his daily bread isn't the bread that you ordered during your morning prayers.  I know I have been guilty of this. 

I woke up on August 6th with blurry vision in my right eye.  Assuming it would improve, I went about my day.  Three days later it wasn't better and I knew I needed to see a doctor.  From there, my life took a turn I never in a million years anticipated.  MRI's, steroid treatments, talk of complete vision loss, testing for multiple sclerosis.  Literally in the blink of an eye, my world had been turned upside down.  Of course I wondered how this happened, why this happened and what the end result might be.  I was scared, angry and sad.  How am I going to do this?  What if I become unable to care for my family?  What is going to happen?

After many lengthy conversations with many different people, I began to accept the fact that whatever may be is completely out of my control.  At that point, I knew all I could do was to pray.  Obviously my prayers included a clean bill of health but more than anything I prayed for peace.  Rather early on in this ordeal, it became clear to me that my path had already been staked out.  God's plan for me has been in place since the beginning of time and it was time for me to trust in that path.  Not an easy task, for sure, but a necessary one.  There are days I'm not sure if I like the path that I am going down but I do know that I don't get to select the route, I just have to travel it with the most grace and care that I am able to muster.

The "daily bread" that I would ask for would be perfect health for myself and all those I love.  Happiness, contentment and a life without struggle.  I would ask that my daughters realize their greatest potentials and know the deep love that I have for them.  I would ask that they be spared  unhappiness, disappointment and grief.  I would ask for a perfect marriage free of conflict and to be the wife that Jason deserves.  I would ask to be a daughter worthy of the parents I have been given.  My requests may also include plenty of money, job stability for Jason, Mexican food 4 times a week and an eternally clean house.

Obviously my wishes are on the lofty side, perhaps even a little unreasonable if I do say so myself.  While it would be fantastic to live a life without struggle, stress, failure and sadness, it is impossible to expect.  It is through the struggles that we grow as people.  It is due to the stress that we are able to appreciate the peace.  It is because of the failure and sadness that we can embrace the successes and happiness.

Luckily for me, God knows not to provide me the bread that I want but rather the bread that I need.  Tomorrow I will have my follow up MRI that will reveal my medical status.  I will receive the results of the test sometime next week.  With every ounce of my being I am praying for a clear MRI and I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be devastated to hear anything but those words.  However, the one thing I have learned without a doubt since that morning four months ago is that I will have my daily bread.  Some days I am feasting on the most delectable morsels possible and some days I am begrudgingly eating the day old heels of the loaf but there is no doubt that every day I am provided for.  What I have come to realize is that sometimes I have less than I want but never once have I been given less than I need.  Far be it from me to throw out what I have been given because it was not what I ordered.

What I now know...

It's been awhile.

August and September have been incredibly full months.  August began with back to school preparations and took a quick and unexpected turn to the doctor's offices.  Blurry vision in my right eye unbelievably became appointment after appointment, MRI's, IV infused steroid treatments and almost unbearable amounts of uncertainty.  Throw in back to school preparations and the emotions involved with my eldest beginning middle school and my baby beginning kindergarten and things were a little tense in the Kolb household. 

However, God presents these challenges to each of us, most often at moments when we feel least prepared to handle them.  We are then faced with the option to make them into opportunities for growth or into excuses for despair.  I've never been one to back down from a fight and I wasn't about to now.  As stressful as things have been, I can honestly say I am a better person for all that has gone on and I have learned an extraordinary amount over the past 60 or so days that of course, I am more than willing to share and so here are the things that I now know...

1. Of all the virtues, patience is my least favorite.  Of course, that is because it is not my strength.  I'm working on it.
2. If you don't want to be treated like a victim, don't act like one. 
3. I am not in control.  I may allow myself to live in the fantasy world that I do have some control but ultimately there is a plan in place for me and I surrender to that plan.  It's been created by someone who has far more knowledge and capabilities than I.  Who am I to turn down this sort of planning from an expert? 
4. I'm stronger than I thought.
5. God really does provide~if not through my own strengths and abilities, than through the love and grace of others.
6. If, as the PTA Treasurer, you announce during a meeting that numbers aren't really your thing, people are going to give you strange looks.
7. Good can and does come out of bad.  Sometimes you have to look a little harder and be a little more creative but the silver lining is always there.
8. If you don't grow together, you grow apart.
9. The world does not come to a screeching halt if the items that I so painstakingly put on my to do list do not get completed.
10. Lily's soccer teammate, Ella, does not have a sportier kick than Lily~no matter what Ella (the teammate, not the sister) thinks.
11. Tomorrow may look significantly different than what I am expecting.
12. September and October in South Dakota are far superior months than June and July.
13. When someone tells you, "Oh, don't worry it won't be that much work", they are totally lying to you.
14. One person's alone is another person's lonely.
15. Much to my chagrin, things are not black and white.  There are many, many shades of grey.  I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that someone can see something that is so very clear to me in a completely different way than I do.  Perspective is much more than just an opinion.  It is your reality.
16. It is impossible to have too much hope.  There is no such thing.
17. Avoiding a topic often translates into ignoring a person.  I prefer the direct approach.  Most things are best dealt with head on.
18. God provides us all with gifts.  It is up to us to identify and embrace them in the best ways possible.  Whether your gift is a nurturing spirit, great wealth or free time in which to help others, it is your duty to make the best use of the gifts of which you have been given.  Me~I make damn good spaghetti sauce, can plan a Kindergarten party like nobody's business and read books like it's my job.
19. Party Pizzas are one of God's aforementioned gifts for us to embrace.  I try to unwrap one of these precious gifts at least once a week. 
20. The little things matter~really matter.  Look for the opportunities to make someone's day a little brighter.
21. It is bad enough to have to go through an hour long MRI in which you are instructed to not move a muscle to determine whether or not you have a chronic, incurable disease.  It's even worse to get an itch on your back about 10 minutes into said MRI.
22. God really does not give you more than you can handle.  I've always thought of that phrase as a platitude people utter for lack of any encouraging words but it really is true.  Even if you personally are not able to handle what you are facing, God gives you the means necessary to get through it.  He never fails.  Having faith is awesome.
23. Knowing is always better than not knowing.  Things are rarely as bad as you anticipate they will be.
24. The line between what is your business and what isn't is often very blurry.  Examine your intentions and exercise your best judgement.
25. Productive people=happy people.
26. If in December, I am told I have MS, I can totally kick it's ass. 
27. I am so incredibly lucky that God brought Jason into my life.  I recently read something that very much resonated with me.  "...you can plan so that nothing goes wrong in life.  But it will, and it won't be what you expected to go wrong.  So make sure you are with someone who will help you bail the water out of the boat, not someone who will blame you for the hole."~Kristin Billerbeck.  I am so very blessed that Jason would not only gladly bail the water but he would do everything within his power to patch the hole.  I now know, even more than before, that Jason is an amazing husband and father.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, the past couple of months, August in particular, have been the most challenging of my life.  Between the medical issues and the girls beginning school, I've been faced with some very difficult moments.  More than anything, what I now know is that life is all about focus.  A person can choose to focus on the good or the bad, what may be or what is, what you have or what you don't have, today or tomorrow.  And so, while I may not have the final word that I am medically fit as a fiddle and while my vision is still occasionally somewhat blurry, my focus is perfectly clear.  Do I hope with all my heart that I have a clear scan in December and am given a clean bill of health?  Obviously.  But in the meantime, I feel good, I am surrounded by people who love me dearly and I have today.  That is what I choose to focus my attention on.  I intend to make today worth my time and more importantly, worth someone else's.

Minnesota memories...

We are finally settled back in to a routine following our annual sojourn to Northern Minnesota.  Summer is coming to an end and this week we have begun back to school preparations.  However, it is easier to accept the beginning of another school year when coming off of a wonderfully relaxing getaway.

In my humble opinion, this year's Carter/Paa/Kolb trip could be the best one to date.  We whiled away the days sunning ourselves by the lake without a care in the world, playing lots of sand volleyball and the kids kept busy collecting all sorts of creatures.  There was also go-karting, mini-golfing, fishing, jet skiing, karaoking and hours and hours of game playing (really, really funny game playing). 

And here's the proof...

For some people, a vacation means running around seeing all of the sights, touring the hot spots, trying new things and meeting new people.  Our week spent at Breezy Point was not a vacation in that sense.  Our week was even better.  It was exactly what I hope for in a vacation~relaxation and unhurried time to spend with the people that I love most. 

Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes but more importantly, it is also the land of 10,000 of my best memories.