Control. How can I want it so bad yet lose it so often?
Why does having control over every minute detail of my life mean so much to me? At what point did I lose my ability to be spontaneous and flexible? And why do I allow my need to have control affect those around me? Questions I am seriously pondering today and hoping to find some answers to.
Control is such an interesting concept because most everyone desires to be in control yet ultimately does it really matter? Things happen as they are meant to happen proving over and over again that while we can make our choices both good and bad, in the end we are not the final decision makers. Why then is controlling the world around me so all encompassing to me? And why do I continue to put myself through the anguish of trying to gain control when it just ends up driving me crazy to the point where I finally lose it? How very contrary. Does it really matter if my day veers off it's carefully constructed but entirely unnecessary, and at times completely unreasonable, schedule? Kids will be kids, people will be people and life happens. That's just how it is and certainly no direct reflection of me personally or my worth as a person. How I deal with these shake ups to the environment I have crafted does involve me personally and it is at this that I am failing~all due to my unwillingness to adapt and relinquish my control.
I have come to the conclusion that the vast majority of my self-created stress and anxiety is derived from this great need to control not only myself but those closest to me and it is just plain ugly. Focusing on treating my girls with the love and care they deserve, nurturing them, teaching them right from wrong and providing them with support and guidance should be my main priority. But if I really sit back and reflect, all too often it seems that controlling them and dictating their every move is what I am doing. How do I let go of this when it is such a huge part of me? How can I afford not to? From this point on, I need to harness this need of mine and use it solely to concentrate on controlling myself. Choosing my words carefully, not acting impulsively, making my moments count because as we all know, the only person you truly have any type of control over at all is yourself. I need to be an example for them that self-control is the only type of control that is worthwhile and productive. Anything beyond that is indulgent, selfish and unrealistic.
Control. Who has it? Who wants it? It really doesn't matter because like it or not~it belongs to none of us. Imposing our will on others does no good for anyone. I believe many people equate control with power which is what makes it so desirable. However, that is just not the case. Nitpicking, nagging and orchestrating others to act as you wish them to act is definitely controlling but not at all powerful. Being in control of yourself and realizing how your words and actions can and do affect others is what is truly powerful. Helping, support, offering kind words of love and advice is really all we can give and then hope for the best. Beyond that, it's out of my control and that's fine with me.
"Circumstances are beyond human control, but our conduct is in our own power."~Benjamin Disraeli
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