Through my eyes.......

Scary thought for some, I know, the world through my eyes! Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about my interactions with other people and how to make them (the interactions not the people) better. As a disclaimer, I would like to say that these thoughts are in no way, shape or form directed at any one person or situation but rather just a compilation of thoughts and observations I have had overall. Dealing with people is hard whether it is family, friends, teachers, the PTA, doctors or the lady who honked at me when I didn't start driving the second the light turned green. While reflecting I considered the age old saying, "You can't change other people, you can only change yourself". And of course, the oldie but goodie, "You can't control a situation but you can control your reaction to it". As I thought about these ideas it occurred to me, in relationships there are many things I spend too much time on when I should reshift my focus to other, more productive ideas. For example, I spend too much time feeling guilty and not enough time feeling regretful. The way I look at it, guilt is a state of being, not a feeling. Why waste time feeling guilty for something when you could just be sorry and try to make amends? Guilt is such a time and energy zapper. Face it~everything you do is either by your own free choice or occurs by happenstance. If it was done by your own free choice, what's the point of feeling guilty? You did it. You made the decision and acted on it and there is nothing you can do to change it. Once something is done, you can either feel OK with your decision and move on or you can regret it and try to make amends. If something is an accident or you had no control over the situation, why would you feel guilty? It wasn't your fault so why anguish over it? Of course, feeling remorse or regret would still be appropriate in an accidental situation but guilt seems a little overdramatic.

Another thing I spend too much time on is trying to change others when my time and energy would be much better spent just accepting them. It really can be just as easy as realizing that people are the way they are and you can either accept them as is or write them off. Accepting a person doesn't mean you are approving of their choices or way of going about things, it is simply realizing you want or need them in your life. That being said, accepting your situation does not preclude you from trying to improve it. I think it's OK to let someone know you aren't exactly jumping for joy when he or she hurts you but you have to leave it up to them to make the change. And again, sometimes there may be a point for your own peace, you aren't able to accept someone and need to move on. I think that's OK too.

Getting others to see things from my perspective rather than trying to see things from theirs is another area that I need to work on. It is impossible for me to know all of the other factors influencing the other person's behavior or decision. So often I think of the situation in a bubble without once considering what else may be going on in their lives. If I want others to see my point, it is imperative that I at least make an attempt at understanding theirs.


Keeping score is the next fault I need to work on. I mean this in two different ways. First, I need to not worry about being treated "fairly". What I need financially, emotionally, physically varies and is different than what others may need. As I tell the girls all the time, things aren't always going to be fair. I always have enough and I always have what I need, even if I don't see that right away. The second point I am thinking of in regards to keeping score is in reference to holding grudges. There is no reason for me to "keep track" of any and all of the times someone has hurt me. It doesn't matter. I make the choice to have relationships with whom I choose to have relationships with and so I need to realize that at times, things aren't going to be perfect. I need to remember this if for no other reason than I know how much I dislike hearing about all of the imperfect things I have done in the past. There comes a time to just let it go.

And the final point I reflected on during my self examination is how much time I spend making excuses and justifying my actions rather than owning up to my mistakes and attempting to make changes. Bottomline is I can be a big mouth and I screw up. That's just the way it is. Once that happens, I can try to excuse the problem away or I can look at what I did, why I did it and how I can try to better next time. Acknowledging my mistakes and apologizing for them is very, very hard for me but something that I really need to work on as it is a huge deal. There are some things I am good at and some that I am horrible at. I need to keep in mind that is the case for everyone else and give them a break, just as I would hope others would give me a break when I mess up.

It is not my intention to pass myself off as a self help guru. These ramblings make sense to me and I have found them interesting to ponder on. If you find them interesting and maybe helpful as well, that's cool. If not, that's cool too. I just know dealing with people, especially those you care deeply about, can be difficult and frustrating but it is the basis of all of our lives and there is nothing more important to me than the relationships that I am blessed enough to have.