Groundhog Day.......

Lately, I have been lamenting to Jason about how I feel like I am the lead character in the movie, Groundhog Day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy or even dissatisfied with my life. I would classify it more as being just the slightest bit a disgruntled employee of my employer, motherhood. Again, not that I don't fully enjoy my children and being a mother but there are days where it seems, well, for lack of a better term, Groundhog Day-esque.

Sometimes it seems as though every day is the same and things just don't change. When the girls don't listen and continue to do things I have repeatedly asked them not to do or inversely, do not do things I have asked them to do, I just get more and more frustrated. I tell Grace over and over she needs to read her AR book and to stop antagonzing Lily and Ella. I tell Ella over and over she cannot change her clothes forty times a day or use her pants as a napkin. I tell Lily over and over to use her big girl voice and to stop climbing over the back of the couch. Supper time is a constant stream of me reminding Ella and Lily we are sitting at the table to eat, not look at our hands or talk about poop skids, night after night. All just very minor issues and by no means out of the ordinary for children, intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, I just can't seem to get it through my head.

Finally, last week, after ruminating on this for some time now, I was smacked right across the face with the most simple, basic solution. While I cannot force the girls to change their behaviors or even realistically expect them to change as what they are doing is all very age appropriate, I can change my reaction to them. Lightbulb moment! Why have I been relentlessly ordering a change from them without once thinking I needed to change anything about my own behavior? As soon as this bulb flickered, I put it my idea into action. That very evening during supper, Ella wiped her tomato sauce covered hands on her jeans. The night before, I would have most likely become extremely irritated and scolded her. But realizing that wasn't working, I attempted a new tactic. I "walked" a napkin over to Ella's plate and made introductions. Ella laughed and guess what.... she used that new friend, Mr. Napkin, for the remainder of the meal.

Unfortunately, since my big self revelation, I have found this particular mind change does not come easily to me. I was so arrogantly thinking I had made some major progress until this morning. One resolution I made to myself, weeks ago, was to be more motivated about getting my day started. To move along is a very timely and organized manner so I am up, exercised, showered and presentable to the public by no later than 900AM every day. When it was 1030AM and I was just finally getting around to showering, I was angry with myself. As I was thinking this, I began beating myself up about numerous things such as; why I didn't get a more creative baby gift for a friend, what kind of fun activity I can come up with for Easter, if I can pull off a spectacularly exciting birthday party for the girls, why I haven't started marking items for a garage sale that hasn't even been scheduled yet. You know, all things that only someone who has an extraordinarily blessed life and has to create worries due to a lack of real worries has the luxury of anguishing over. It was then I realized I haven't made as much progress on my Groundhog Day-itis as I had thought. I was in the shower at 1030AM rather than 830AM because I spent the morning dinking around. That was no one's fault but my own. I hadn't changed my own behavior. I was worrying about all these insignificant "problems" as I always do because I was allowing myself to worry instead of act. Where did I go wrong? As Albert Einstein so eloquently stated, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." GREAT! There we have it, I am officially insane because that is exactly what I have been doing for as long as I can remember. I get up every morning and behave the exact way I behaved the day before but somehow think things will be different. How does that even make sense, now that I am really looking at it?

In a nutshell, what I have learned over the past couple of weeks is that my "most simple, basic solution" isn't quite so simple and basic. Making internal personality changes is extremely difficult. When I have behaved in a certain way for many years, I can't just switch it off so where do I get off thinking my daughters can? Or anyone else for that matter? Altering a mind set is a process and takes time. Labeling it simple and basic, as I did, is simply and basically setting yourself up for failure. Not only is it time for me to stop stomping around like a deranged, lunatic dictator and demanding change out of my daughters (and possible even out of my husband, I will sheepishly admit), I need to give myself a little break. However, I need to remember if I want things to be different, I need to try different things. Some will work, some will not but at least I need to make an attempt.

As any self respecting bad driver can attest to, if you are in a rut, stepping on the gas just gets you stuck deeper. This is exactly what I have been doing~revving up and going nowhere. It's time for me to ease out of this rut slowly. More jokes, less scolding. More patience and understanding and a lot less flying off the handle. By easing off not only myself but those I love, I will be able to see tomorrow as a new day full of possibilities. Tomorrow I will be able to peek my head out and enjoy the sunshine!