Tonight it hit me. We all knew it would. The melancholy, the dread, the anxiety over another year of school beginning. One and a half short weeks before I have to send my babies off to be supervised, influenced and taught by people who are not named, "Mommy". My mind started whirling and the list of things to do grew; haircuts, library, errands, cleaning, Canaries game, possible stop at a museum, etc., etc., etc. With my to-do list set aside until I create more inane items to put on it, I reflected on why I despise the idea of school starting so very much. Of course, I am not going to lie and say the house is not more peaceful and calm, cleaner and less chaotic with one little person vs. three little people scampering about. Nor will I say I do not enjoy, very much, spending one on one time with Lily "Cannonball" Jane. So, what's my problem? What's the big whoop? Kids grow up, they go to school, they participate in their extracurriculars, they come home, summer comes, summer goes~so on and so forth. It's nothing new or out of the ordinary. Why do I freak out? After some contemplation, I came to a couple of conclusions:
1. Along with the beginning of the school year comes the time crunch. During the summer, time (on most days) is nothing more than a concept. Up at 9AM, fabulous. Lunch at 1PM, perfect. Bedtime at 10PM, why not? It's summer. They can sleep in. On August 17th, this freedom from the clock ends. There is a set time to wake and a set time to slumber. Meals have to be scheduled accordingly. Lily's naps must coordinate with the carpool times. For a Type A-er like myself, you would think the rigid schedule would be a dream come true. However, my friends, I am an atypical Type A-er. The ticking of the clock causes me to lose it. I don't do well with the minutes ticking away. If I get behind, I stress. If time gets away from me, I stress. If I want to do something other than what needs to be done according to the schedule, I stress. Once school is in session, the busy-ness rears it's ugly head. After school it's snack, homework, supper, bath and bed. With any luck, we can throw in a romp outside, a quick bike ride or a trip for ice cream into the mix but the impromptu shopping trips, stroll around the neighborhood or popcorn and movie night is long gone. We're running on someone else's clock.
2. My girls are my job. Not only are they my job, they are my livelihood. Obviously not livelihood in the financial sense of the word but they are what make me feel alive. Whether I am mediating a dispute over whose turn it is to ride in the front seat or I am on the receiving end of the world's best hug, I am right where God intended for me to be. When I quit my job almost five years ago, I wasn't completely sure I was cut out for the full-time mom gig. Patience isn't my strong suit and I can be just the slightest bit high strung. I also am very driven and motivated by doing my best and making others think well of me. No job meant no one to impress. How ever would I be motivated? What I have found out over the past five years is that there is no one I would rather have think well of me, no one more important to impress than my three daughters who spend their days and nights looking up to me. Frightening thought but very true. I cannot say that I have always provided them the best example. I cannot say I have always done my best. What I can say is that I have always tried my best. Maybe my imperfections have become my perfections. Maybe my girls will realize it's OK to not be the best because they will be loved unconditionally. Maybe they won't be driven by the eternal quest for perfection but rather the quest to be their most perfect. When Grace and Ella walk through the doors of John Harris on August 17th, 2/3 of my livelihood will be absent for a great portion of the day. I know they are not gone for good and I am certain that Lily "I Also Enjoy Monkeys" Jane is perfectly capable of providing me with ample opportunity to work at being my best but I also am keenly aware that I am not quite complete when Grace and Ella are missing from my equation.
And so, tomorrow morning we will begin the final bittersweet 12 days of the 2009 Summer Vacation. It really has been a great summer~trips, swimming, new friends, hours of monkey barring and bike riding, awesome meals out, almost equally awesome meals in, playgrounds, pet shops, butterfly house, zoo, birthdays. The fun has been endless. And just because the summer is coming to an end, doesn't mean the fun has to. Seizing the moment. Living in the now. Remembering the past but living in the present and not worrying so much about the future. Cliche, yes but still so true. Sometimes I get so caught up worrying about what's next that I forget about what's right now. What's right now is Grace being 9 years old, Ella-6 and Lily 3. Right now is invaluable, unforgettable and irreplaceable. What could possibly be more important?
1. Along with the beginning of the school year comes the time crunch. During the summer, time (on most days) is nothing more than a concept. Up at 9AM, fabulous. Lunch at 1PM, perfect. Bedtime at 10PM, why not? It's summer. They can sleep in. On August 17th, this freedom from the clock ends. There is a set time to wake and a set time to slumber. Meals have to be scheduled accordingly. Lily's naps must coordinate with the carpool times. For a Type A-er like myself, you would think the rigid schedule would be a dream come true. However, my friends, I am an atypical Type A-er. The ticking of the clock causes me to lose it. I don't do well with the minutes ticking away. If I get behind, I stress. If time gets away from me, I stress. If I want to do something other than what needs to be done according to the schedule, I stress. Once school is in session, the busy-ness rears it's ugly head. After school it's snack, homework, supper, bath and bed. With any luck, we can throw in a romp outside, a quick bike ride or a trip for ice cream into the mix but the impromptu shopping trips, stroll around the neighborhood or popcorn and movie night is long gone. We're running on someone else's clock.
2. My girls are my job. Not only are they my job, they are my livelihood. Obviously not livelihood in the financial sense of the word but they are what make me feel alive. Whether I am mediating a dispute over whose turn it is to ride in the front seat or I am on the receiving end of the world's best hug, I am right where God intended for me to be. When I quit my job almost five years ago, I wasn't completely sure I was cut out for the full-time mom gig. Patience isn't my strong suit and I can be just the slightest bit high strung. I also am very driven and motivated by doing my best and making others think well of me. No job meant no one to impress. How ever would I be motivated? What I have found out over the past five years is that there is no one I would rather have think well of me, no one more important to impress than my three daughters who spend their days and nights looking up to me. Frightening thought but very true. I cannot say that I have always provided them the best example. I cannot say I have always done my best. What I can say is that I have always tried my best. Maybe my imperfections have become my perfections. Maybe my girls will realize it's OK to not be the best because they will be loved unconditionally. Maybe they won't be driven by the eternal quest for perfection but rather the quest to be their most perfect. When Grace and Ella walk through the doors of John Harris on August 17th, 2/3 of my livelihood will be absent for a great portion of the day. I know they are not gone for good and I am certain that Lily "I Also Enjoy Monkeys" Jane is perfectly capable of providing me with ample opportunity to work at being my best but I also am keenly aware that I am not quite complete when Grace and Ella are missing from my equation.
And so, tomorrow morning we will begin the final bittersweet 12 days of the 2009 Summer Vacation. It really has been a great summer~trips, swimming, new friends, hours of monkey barring and bike riding, awesome meals out, almost equally awesome meals in, playgrounds, pet shops, butterfly house, zoo, birthdays. The fun has been endless. And just because the summer is coming to an end, doesn't mean the fun has to. Seizing the moment. Living in the now. Remembering the past but living in the present and not worrying so much about the future. Cliche, yes but still so true. Sometimes I get so caught up worrying about what's next that I forget about what's right now. What's right now is Grace being 9 years old, Ella-6 and Lily 3. Right now is invaluable, unforgettable and irreplaceable. What could possibly be more important?
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